Sleeping Beauties

There's something serene about watching a baby sleep. I bet all mothers would agree to this.

But watching my two babies sleeping and cuddling like this night after night makes my heart bursts with happiness and gratitude. 

I love how Afif needs to hug or just hold Dhani's hand to help him fall asleep. And i love how Dhani sleeps better with his big bro hugging him (tho he hates it when Afif gentel2 his fingers. Haha).

Mama prays that you boys will have each other's back. Through thick and thin, baby.

LDM Day 5

Mr. Chenta and i are in another round of long distance marriage (LDM in short). This time it would last around 2 months *wail*nanges meraung tak cover line dah*

Sigh. 

I guess the timing is good. Ngam-ngam i'm the middle of my unpaid leave so that the kids will have one parent's undivided attention. The extra money that he earns comes in handy too tengah2 aku takde gaji ni. 

And i guess kali ni keje dia mulia sket. Aircraft maintenance team for flights taking people going to/from Jeddah for hajj. InshaAllah ada lah tercalit sket bahagian dia dpt lebih pahala. 

Tapi luka dan sepi di hati sape tau weh. Dah la dapat tau kene gi tu last minit. Kol 6ptg dapat tau, kol 9mlm dah gerak ke airport. Tak sempat nak pikir ape, tetibe laki aku dah fly. 

Malam tu aku mampu hantar dia kat KL Central je. Tak brani gamble bawak 2 orang budak ni drive sorang from KLIA tengah2 malam. Dibuatnya Dhani melalak tengah MEX tu dah satu hal nak stop camne.

As i'm currently a SAHM, memang terasa la ketiadaan dia. Usually the highlight of my day is waiting for him to get back from work. Temankan dia makan, lepak kejap and talk about our days. Sambung pillow talk sampai terlelap. Now i don't really have anything to look forward to except for the day that he returns. Days are starting to blend together. Anak-anak je la penghibur. 

So far dah 4 hari dia kat sana, sehari 2-3 kali facetime. I insist dengan alasan anak-anak rindu. Padahal bini dia ni clingy. Bahaha #clingywife #dontjudgeme

Pastu tetiba aku kene jadi tukang buang sampah, cuci botol Afif, tukang vacuum, tukang cuci toilet, kene pikir pasal minyak kete, patut ke tak cuci kete, mane ke pegi bil api, air, astro, streamyx bagai, pampers and susu anak ade stok lagi ke tak.. All this while my husband takes care of all that.

*nanges*

*wails*

Semoga baik-baik saja suami aku nun jauh disana dan semoga diberikan kesabaran dan kekuatan aku dok umah jaga dua orang budak ni haa. 

November, please come fast!

Dhani at 5 Months

Pejam celik dah 5 bulan umur Dhani. Dulu sebelom ada Dhani i always wondered; is it possible to love my other children because ALL my love is for Afif. Ade ke lagi kasih sayang utk anak lain (pretty stupid, i know). That is silly because the moment the doctor put Dhani on my chest, came this huge HUGE bubble of love for him.

And MasyaAllah, Dhani is such an easy, lovely, cuddly and happy baby. What's not to love?

As of today, at exactly 5 months he weighs 8.5kg.  i know sebab baru timbang siang tadi haha. Lenguh gak la tangan dukung si Shebab ni. Bak kata Dr. Basha (Afif's speech therapist) kene tukar-tukar tangan kalo dukung Dhani. Kalo tak memang salah urat *nanges* 

He now wears mostly 6mth size clothes, baju budak setahun pon dia muat. Pampers dah kene pakai saiz L ye. Sama saiz ngan Afif. Senang mama daddy takyah pening banyak-banyak saiz haha.

Alhamdulillah he's still fully breastfed. Lelagi la skang aku unpaid leave ni lama. Memang direct je susu whenever wherever. 

 

Acara wajib dalam kereta.

At 2.5 months young.

Developmental Milestone

Dhani started to roll over by himself at almost 3 months, tapi tak reti nak roll back terlentang. Masa 3.5 bulan baru reti golek-golek without help. Sekarang kalo dibiarkan atas katil tu memang segala penjuru la dia sampai. Memang takleh tinggal sorang takot jatuh je. 

Skang dia suka buat pondok (bak kata Wan). Dah reti angkat badan dalam position nak merangkak tapi bila try nak ke depan, dia tersembam. Haha! In a few weeks (days?) merangkak la kot budak ni.

He's been having separation anxiety these past few weeks. He's okay with strangers if i'm around. Tapi kalo aku takde, dia mula la gelisah mencari. Kalo nampak aku dari jauh or dengar suara, cepat dia jerit macam mintak aku selamatkan dia. Bahaha.

Suka kene riba/dukung/pegang (don't all babies?) tapi yang penatnya bila org pegang dia berdiri, dia bounce-bounce badan, especially kalo nampak Afif tengah melompat. Haha.

Likes & Dislikes

Suka mandi. Abes dia paddle kaki splash splash kalo mandi.

 Water baby.

Suka bercakap. His favourite word now is tah-tah-tah-*menyembur air liur*-tah-tah-tah. Haha

Alhamdulillah, he's not deaf. At least that's we observe as of now. Tido pon kejap-kejap sebab senang terjaga kalo ada bunyi (bunyi pintu pon nak terjaga haih).

Suka tengok orang makan, sambil air liur dia meleleh dan telan air liur pastu sibuk nak grab makanan orang. Haha.

Suka main ba-ba cak!

Suka dengar & tengok videoclip The Sound Song (Thomas & Friends). Kalo pasang video lain idok dier heran. 

Suka bila aku nyanyi Twinkle twinkle. Especially when i together with Afif buat show depan dia. Sengih manjang tak berkelip mata.

Dia sayang betol kat Afif. The way he stares at Afif when Afif does something (lari, lompat, gelak-gelak, bercakap) macam abang dia tu la idola dia. Yang Afif pulak, dia memang sayang Dhani. Tapi selalu la jugak tiba-tiba Dhani kene lepuk/cucuk mata/himpit/tunggang dek Afif. Stress aku kalo jadi gini.

Hobi dia adalah golek-golek breastfeed dengan Mama. Kadang bukan minom betol pon. We just lie there, making faces at each other. Haha.

Dhani budak yang tak banyak ragam. Setakat ni, we brought him along for all of Afif's audiology and speech therapy appointment and he never made a scene. Staff kat I-HEARS sume puji baik nye lahai budak ni. Bawak kuar pon senang. Cuma dia tak brapa gemar lama-lama dok dalam stroller. It's not a problem coz i prefer to babywear him anyway. Malam pon tak meragam. Cari susu, dah dapat tido la dia. Sebab dia Shebab, memang jadi bantal pelok aku la. haha.

Banyak list of yang dia suka kan. Kecik lagi, so aku blom discover apa yang dia tak suka.

Dia tak suka minom pakai botol. Ni la bahana apabila mama dia dok umah jaga dia. Kemana aku gi pon kene bawak dia sbb bf. Camne ntah aku nak train pakai botol balik ni ha.

At 3.5 months

Berkampung kat HUKM temankan Afif lepas operation CI dia.

My boys.

Hobi dia jugak adalah tengok Afif main.

Randomly, i woke up at night to find them cuddling like this. Sejuk hati mama.

Pantang nampak makanan.

Senyuman pujaan hati Mama.

"Engko ni over la, bang. Ni post pasal aku ko tau?"

Kacau orang solat.

All in all, alhamdulillah, Dhani is growing up well and in good health. Looking at his  obsession with food, i think i'll start feeding him at 5.5 months. We'll see.

Semoga terus membesar jadi anak soleh, budak bijak and happy happy je, ok sayang? 

Mama loves you so much, you have no idea.

Like I'm Gonna Lose You

Memalam ni emo plak.

Sebak je dengar lagu ni.

Because i've lost my two biggest love - my PARENTS.

It was long ago but the pain never really goes away.

i know what we have are all loaned by the Almighty.

So i'm praying that my husband and sons.. They will be loaned to me for a long time.



"In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time
To say what we want
Use what we got
Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow"

Dhani Labor Story: A VBAC

Dhani dah nak dekat 4 bulan baru ada momentum nak bercerita pasal labor experience haa. Banyak benda jadi sampai tak ter-update blog. Now that i have time, i don't know where to start..

But nevertheless here goes.. It's gonna be a long post.

* * *

I was so sure i'm gonna give birth to Dhani in the 37th week because Afif was born at 37 weeks and 2 days. Awal-awal aku dah siapkan ape yang patut kat office, delegate and hand-over kerja, email auto reply semua lah.

Tapi kat rumah, aku kelam kabut sket. i couldn't really find time to pack my hospital bag because i was so busy with Afif. Wanted to spent every single moment with him before he has a sibling. i wanted him to get all my attention but at the same time i can't wait to have another child. Rasa bersalah kat Afif sebab bagi dia adik but rasa bersalah kat adik sebab macam unwelcoming pulak. i know i'm not making sense but you get what i mean?

Anyway, hospital bag siap jugak la akhirnya ngam-ngam masuk 37 weeks.

Braxton Hicks came so frequently starting at 37 weeks. Sometimes they were so intense sampai aku cuak. But i know those are not the real contractions because they are of irregular timing. i had weekly checkups siap kene pakai CTG on week 37, 38, and 39. Dr. Noor Fidak wanted to monitor contraction sebab nak try VBAC kan.. On all those appointments memang ada contraction tapi aku tak rasa sakit sangat. So we were so sure nak beranak dah. Tapi Dhani tak keluar jugak.

Monday

As i mentioned in this post, Mr. Chenta, Afif and i checked in at Pusrawi on a Monday because Afif had severe diarrhea. Time ni memang ada la contraction every 10-15 minutes gitu (for a few days dah actually). Weh sakit weh tahan contraction and jaga Afif diarrhea kuar masuk toilet. Tapi aku gagahkan jugak mencangkung basuh bontot dia bagai coz i want that to ease labor later on.

Tuesday 

At 3pm, i had my checkup. Aku bagitau la contraction dah regular (around 7 minutes apart at that time) and dah sakit. Buat VE, i was 2cm dialated! Dr. Fidak kata tak lama lagi ni. Alang-alang awak dah check-in kat sini, nanti pegi je labor room bila tak tahan sakit. She's quite concern about baby's position as he is a bit posterior. Better position than last week tapi still senget sket.

i went back to Afif's room after the checkup. Aku banyakkan menonggeng and did pelvic tilt exercise to help the baby turn. Sambil contraction sambil kuar masuk toilet jaga Afif diarrhea. Sampai nanges la jugak aku.

Around 7pm aku tak tahan sangat dah gi surrender kat labor room. Laki aku jaga Afif sebab takkan nak tinggalkan budak tu sorang kan. Strangely i feel relieved and at peace, being alone in the labor room. Sempat baca Surah Mariam and Surah Yusuf. Walked around the ward kononnya nak bagi cepat beranak. At around 9-10pm nurse datang tanya nak epidural tak. Sakit still bearable so dengan konfidennya cakap takpe, i can manage. "Betul ni puan? Doktor bius nak balik dah. Lepas ni kalau nak epi kene tunggu after 6am esok baru ada doktor" Walaupon ada sedikit goyah disitu (sebab sakit weh contraction), aku still kata takpe. Aku rasa penat and ngantok sangat, penangan dok spital jaga anak. So bila contraction takda aku try la tido.

Wednesday (genap-genap 40weeks)

Around 1am camtu Mr. Chenta masuk labor room temankan aku pulak. i'm so glad to have him there. Nasib baik Wan datang so lepas tidokan Afif, baru la laki aku temankan aku. Time ni sakit dah every 5-4 minutes camtu. Walked around the room in an attempt to distract my mind. Laki aku pon barai sebab since Sunday tido tak betul so dia tido. Sian kat dia so aku suruh je dia tido atas kerusi tu ha. Tapi bila tak tahan sangat contraction aku jerit je suruh dia urut/pegang/buat apa yang patut.

Around 4.30am aku ingatkan dah banyak la bukak sebab aku rasa cam kerap and sakit je contraction (padahal every 4mins). So aku suruh la nurse buat VE dengan harapan kuar lah cepat anakku. Rupanya baru 5cm. Time ni aku rasa memang tak larat dah. Aku lek dlu tahan. Tak larat bangon dah so aku menonggeng je la atas katil bila contraction. The combination of not having enough rest and the crazy contraction was too strong for me. Everything that i read in natural and hypnobirthing books, everything i saw on YouTube disappear. Tak ingat dah bernapas camne, nak bayangkan rainbow, petal bagai memang haram vanish from my mind. Yang aku ingat sakit je. i surrender. Kol 5.30am camtu aku mintak epidural.

At 6ish am, doktor bius datang. While he was yapping away briefing about epi, aku nak je jerit "Give me the Goddamn epidural already!" Tapi sabar je la. When he's done briefing and nak cucuk, aku cakap "Jappppp! Contraction nak datang!" Pas abes contraction tu, nurse tu pasang hamende ntah kat blakang aku pastu nak cucuk, aku kata lagi "Kejap doktorrrr! Con. Trac. Tion.."

When it's over, diorang cepat-cepat masukkan epidural. The sense of tingling ran down my spine and after a few seconds, all pain disappear. i couldn't feel my legs. Ya Allah leganya. Terus aku tido.

Kol 8am lebih camtu aku terjaga. i remember thinking "Kalo aku tau, awal-awal amek epi" haha.

The Push

Around 10am, midwife buat VE. "Eh dah habis 10cm dialated la..!" Kepala baby pon dah rasa ni. i was so excited "So nak push skang ke ape ni?" aku tanya. Dia kata kene call doktor Noor Fidak dulu.

After a few minutes, she came back. "Kita tunggu doctor datang ye. Dia on the way". Of course la aku panic. "Takpe ke nurse? Baby ni tak lemas ke? Dah bukak habis ni.." Then she explained they are monitoring the CTG and baby's heart beat. Heart beat seems okay and contraction still going strong so it's okay.

Aku ingatkan brapa minit je tunggu. Rupanya nak dekat kol 11am baru doctor sampai (-___-)

Straight away she asked me to push. Aku memang tak rasa apa sebenarnya. Numb abes. So memang tak rasa la ada pressure kepala baby ke, contraction ke, sakit pon tak rasa. i tried and tried to push but they say "Awak tak push ponnn"

"Push macam nak berak!"

"Bayangkan awak tengah buang air"

And i just wanna say "Saya tengah push nak berak la ni tak nampak ke omaigoddddd!!"

Dr. Fidak said "Baby awak dah naik balik ni. -ve 2 position dia" at which i wanted to say "Tu laa doktor yang lambat tadi dia dah turun tau takkk" but of course i just kept quiet.

Then i tried to push.

Pastu ada sorang midwife ni kata "Ish.. Awak ni kene c-sect ni" followed by a murmur of agreement from the other two nurses. One of them proceeded to call the OT.

Dr. Noor Fidak senyap je and asked me to try to push.

Firmly, i looked into Dr. Noor Fidak's eyes and said "Doktor, saya tak nak kene c-sect.."

She smiled and say, "Takpa, kita cuba" Pastu dia urut perot aku ke ape aku pon tatau.

Lepas try push lagi, doktor kata "Kita pakai vacuum la ye"

i agreed.

i saw the vacuum thingy.

She looked at me kindly and said "Takyah c-sect tp kene tolong baby kuar pakai vacuum. Awak kene kuat tau Siti"

i nodded. Anything.

"Ok push!"

i pushed. Pastu tetiba ada benda doctor tu letak atas dada aku. i blinked and ya Allah. It was my baby!

He cried and scream and i'm feeling heavenly.

My baby is here! Screaming, eyes open, slimy, warm, and here, in my arms.

"Haa nasib baik cepat. Baby berak ni haa.." Somebody said.

i looked at Mr. Chenta and he's looking at Dhani with the look of amazement in his eyes. Then he kissed me and said "Okay.. lepas ni tunggu lama sikit la baru ada baby lagi"

We hugged Dhani. When he calmed down, he looked at me. And he did the breast crawl, looking for milk. Then he did the most amazing thing, this smart boy; he latched then and there and drink like he's the hungriest baby in the world.

All this while the doctor is doing the whatnots kuarkan placenta, menjahit bagai.

"Doctor, tanak amek baby ke?" i asked

"Oh tak.. Kita memang akan biarkan mommy baby skin to skin for one hour"

So we savor that first one hour of Dhani's life. Watching him drinking. Belek-belek badan dia. Having the dia-ikut-muka-sapa argument. Oohing and awwing at his fingers/eyes/hair.

After one hour, the nurse took Dhani to be cleaned and checked by the paed. i was brought to the room.

*  *  *

That was Dhani's labor story. Definitely not an intervention-free birth but i am thankful that C-section was avoided and that both mama and baby were safe. Okay nanti aku bebel lagi pasal VBAC.

Dhani Nur Iman bin Mohd. Idzwan Asyraff

Petang tu masing-masing tido kepenatan.

 Dhani & Unyang

First of many night together

#tipahtheSAHM

I think forgot to mention this but i currently am a full time stay at home mom.

*gasp*

Haritu lepas habis maternity leave, aku masuk opis jap. I am now no longer Petronas' staff. I'm a Petronas Carigali staff now. To an outsider mesti korang macam "pape je la ko ni. Same je la petronas ke pcsb ke.." Haha but for me it marks a new era in my career. Wah gitu.

Tapi tak sempat pon keje kat tempat baru, i decided to take a 6-month unpaid leave. Afif was scheduled for his cochlear implant surgery in end of June (which then postponed, will tell more in seperate entry), and after that, a whole new episode for him to re-learn hearing, listening and speaking will take place. His doctor and therapist strongly suggest a parent to be full time at home to achieve great improvement in his hearing and speech. 

I love being a career woman (dah la i'm due for a job promotion) but being a wife and a mother is my topmost priority now. Working for a better future for my son is more important than climbing the corporate ladder. InshaAllah rezeki untuk itu akan menyusul nanti.

For now, THIS is my life. 

Aku start cuti on the third week of June. Lepak je 2 weeks and on 10th July, Afif undergo his surgery.

Kalau dulu aku ngadu penat jadi SAHM jaga Afif sorang, boleh bayangkan tak penat jaga Afif AND Dhani serentak? Haha. But surprisingly aku tak la tekejot sgt mcm first time amek unpaid leave dulu. Mainly because i'm used to looking after Dhani and Afif in my 2 months of maternity leave. Masuk keje seminggu je pon pastu cuti balik. So dah macam in tune dan ada rutin. 

CI Afif belom switch on lagi, so he's hearing with his hearing aid on the left ear, right ear belom mendengar. InshaAllah next Monday switch on. A new era for Afif will begin.

Sekarang aku still relek2 je. Anak-branak bangon pagi kol 10 (kadang kol 12 pon ada. Haha). Nanti dah switch on kene all out la and spent at least an hour a day doing structured play with him. 

Wish me luck, peeps!

Raya 2015 Kami

Macam tahun2 sebelomnya, Raya kami simple je. 

Laki aku cam biasa la takmo beli baju melayu. Kitorang pon bukan la jenis beraya sakan. #teamRayaKL katanya. So pilih color drp warna2 baju melayu yang dia ada. I chose black coz of the slimming effect. Kahkahkah. Aku beli baju ArtDeco by Jovian for Zalora. Beli masa ngam-ngam abes pantang. Sebab tak konfiden bole kurus, aku order saiz M. Sekali pakai, besar. Kembang kempis hidung mak sebab terbukti muat lagi saiz S. Wuahaha. Afif dapat cari baju melayu hitam, Dhani plak aku beli online baju melayu romper. Settle.

Suka aku tgk Afif pakai set lengkap baju melayu siap sampin and songkok. Rasa cam wowww hensemnye anak aku. Bahaha.

Anyway, macam biasa PIL flew in from Kuching a few days before Raya. Tahun ni rasa la lain sket sebab kurang ahli di rumah. Adik-adik aku dah pindah sejak kahwen last year, adik-adik ipar plak jauh di US and UK sana haa. So terasa la kepenatan buat preparation Raya, tambahan ada anak kecik ni. Kemas mengemas keje kitorang laki bini, kuih raya aku in charge, lauk-pauk Raya Wan and MIL la tulang belakang. Sempat aku buat 3 jenis Raya cookies (choc chip licin tak sampai sminggu Raya kikiki) cuma sandwich cake tak sempat buat tahun ni.

First Raya, we spent the morning at home. Lepas bermaafan, bergambar dan makan, kitorang balik Sg. Penchala jap. Kononnya sementara tak ramai lagi family lain datang, baik beraya blah Mama aku dulu sebab pakcik makcik turn beraya umah nenek aku tahun ni. Kat rumah nenek aku rasa meriah la sebab adik bradik mak aku ada 11 (but minus 2 dah meninggal). Sampai je sana Afif mengamok sebab nak main, takmo amek gamba (-____-) but he's okay after a few minutes. Petang tu balik Wangsa Maju balik dan beraya ngan family Papa aku plak.

Gamba Raya perasan pengantin baru.

i tried to look and look but can you believe this is the best color-coordinated Raya family picture we have?
Gamba lain sama ada blur (sebab Afif gerak), Dhani ketara melalak, laki aku tutup mata, or aku ketawa over buruk benor.

With Atok and Nenek belah Mama saya.

Raya paling sakan adalah untuk bebudak.

Raya kedua dok rumah sebab sedara-mara datang. Memang aku tak bother pon pakai baju kurung bagai sebab mengerah tenaga jadi host.

Wefie sket, dik!

Keluarga nukleus kami.

Raya ketiga relax sket. Petang tu kitorang plus BIL bawak Afif tengok wayang. It's his first movie experience ever! Aku risau gak sebab budak ni suka explore. Tapi aku harap sebab dia suka Minions, dia akan ok behave la kot. Aku anticipate dia akan naik turun tangga kat cinema tu but surprisingly dia adalah sangat behave. Kitorang sampai lagi 2 minit nak lights out, so bila dah gelap and nampak plak Minion terpampang kat screen, terus dia excited, sat down, and watched the whole thing with that bowl of popcorn in hand. Bila part kelakar beriya la dia gelak, part serious dia serious. Phewww *lap peluh didahi* Cuma last 10 minutes of the movie dia dah boring baru la dia restless, berdiri atas kerusi dia and jalan gi duduk kat tangga. Huhu.

Weekend plak aku layan tetamu dirumah je. Beraya umah jiran jap pastu sedara aku datang. ohhh A'ai pon datang. 2 kali plak tu dia beraya kat rumah aku. Haha. Seronok tengok Afif geng ngan Safiyya main sama-sama. Safiyya siap nanges takmo balik. Huhu.

Geng Raya

That's my Raya so far. i just realized aku tak gi beraya umah sesapa lagi (well, rumah jiran sebelah umah tak kira la). Takpe nok, Raya kan sebulan. Hihi.

Home is..

Here i am again. On a wing chair in a hospital room.

Thinking how inconvenient it is having to spend nights in a small bed with Dhani by my side. How suffocated to live days in this small room, husband and wife with 2 kids. How i miss my king size, wonderful bed at home and my tv with lotsa wonderful astro channels.

But as i sit here looking at my two peacefully sleeping babies and laughing at my husband's jokes, i realized that there's no where else i'd rather be. 

Not on my comfortable bed without my husband and babies.

Home is where ever we are, together.

Maternity Leave Ending Soon

..and i'm dreading it.

I had this plan. I was gonna go on 2 months maternity leave, 1 month extended maternity leave (with half month paid salary) and a few more months of unpaid leave. Cuti banyak-banyak ni sebenarnya sebab Afif patut kene surgery buat cochlear implant in May.

Plan punya plan, Allah is the best planner. Surgery sampai skang tak buat lagi (pending clearance from insurance) maka takkan la nak cuti sparuh/takda gaji for nothing kan?

Nak tak nak, terpaksa la masuk opis. This coming Monday. 

As much as i'm dreading leaving my kids to other people's care, having to wake up early (weh sejak cuti kitorang anak branak bangon kol 10 or 11am kottt), and having to deal with work, i'm kinda excited to go back to work because:

a) i will be transferred to other department (about time! Dah nak 8 thn kot aku di tempat yg sama)

b) i can't wait to wear high heels (ko gila nak berjalan ngan anak pakai heels? Terpeleot kejar afif or baywear dhani)

c) my friends! (As much as i love my kids, i need to talk to adults too. My girls, particularly)

d) window (and actual) shopping. It's a reality when your office building is attached to a mall. 

e) San Francisco Coffee! Ya Allah dah lebih 2 bulan tak pekema kopi san fran. Memang aku melantak sblom puasa ni..

Looking at this list, i suddenly realized that going back to work is not THAT bad. Hope i can stay positive all year round.

To Afif and Dhani, it's not like mama loves being a working mom more than i love being a stay at home mom. God knows how i want to be with you boys at home all the time. Ada rezeki, that will happen ok baby. In the meantime, i pray with all my heart that you'll be okay at the babysitter's/at home with Unyang and that Allah protects you boys from harm.

Abang Afif

Today marks Dhani's 50th day in the world.

Afif's 50th day of being a big brother. Of being an Abang.

To be honest, when i was pregnant with Dhani, my biggest concern was not giving birth. It was how would Afif be when he has a sibling. Being the eldest child and grandchild, he's not used to being around babies. i have small cousins but they're all older than Afif so he's always excited to see them. He'd play with them, run around, copy what they do.. He never knew how to be gentle to a baby and never really saw me holding a baby. i tried to tell him that Mama's got a baby in her big tummy, baby has hands, eyes, legs.. i read him books about big brothers and baby. i don't think he understood at that time. He looked at me with a confused face and back to my tummy as if trying to say "That's a ball in the tummy.."

So i read a lot about toddler and little brother/sister. i braced myself for tantrums. i expected him to not-like Dhani. i was worried if he'd hit or sit on Dhani.

50 days on and alhamdulillah, there's no hitting, no over-the-top screaming for attention, no hitting. YET.

i remember the first time we introduced Dhani to him. i waited for him in my post-delivery ward (mintak 2-bedded room as Afif was still warded for diarrhea at that time). He came in, saw Dhani and muka cam pelik apsal tetiba ada budak kecik ni. He hugged me pastu lari berkepit ngan daddy balik. Then i held Dhani close to him and said, "Afif, ni adik. Adik Dhani..". He ignored me, ignored Dhani. Buat-buat busy ngan daddy. Second time, Mr. Chenta plak dukung Dhani and bawak gi tunjuk kat Afif. He took one look at Dhani pastu muka trus berubah nak nanges. 

That broke my heart.

Sebelom bersalin kitorang dapat tips from a few friends on how to avoid abang jeles kat adik. The trick is to give a present to the abang and bagitau hadiah tu dari adik. So we bought a xylophone siap-siap for Afif. Later night (after being ignored by Afif all evening), we gave the Xylophone to him sambil tunjuk kat Dhani "Ni adik bagi Afif. Adik sayang Afif.." Lepas tu baru lah dia nak pandang Dhani. Sebelom tu pandang pon tanak.

Ada skali ni (on Dhani's 3rd day kot), aku nak tukar pampers Dhani. Afif dok sebelah aku. Dia tengok aku bukak bedung Dhani. Pastu aku cakap "Haa.. tengok, ni kaki adik. Adik pakai socks. Jom bukak pampers adik.." and he looked at Dhani like that was the first time. Then dengan muka excited dia kata "a-iii!" (kaki!) sambil tunjuk kaki Dhani. Bila bukak pampers, dia tunjuk bebird Dhani pastu tunjuk kat pampers dia as if trying to say bebird adik macam dia. That's when i realized he never saw Dhani without berbedung. Selama ni bertutup je adik dia. That was the first time dia nampak Dhani ada kaki, bebird bagai. Baahaha! Maybe then he realized that Dhani is actually a person.

And from then on onwards, the love for his brother grew. Dari pandang, dia senyum-senyum. Tak lama pastu pandai usap-usap adik. Everytime Dhani nanges, he'd say "Maa!" sambil tunjuk adik. Or bila Dhani nanges dia hulur tangan nak pangku adik. Sehari brapa puluh kali ntah dia cium kepala adik. Tapi kitorang kene observe gak sebab kadang dia geram dia cucuk mata Dhani. Haha. Kalo malam tengah termenong nak tido tu tangan dia busy usap-usap Dhani. Tengah tido kadang dia golek ke Dhani pastu pelok.

MasyaAllah, he's such a wonderful abang. i'm so thankful for that.

Of course there were times yang dia stress tak dapat main ngan Mama or Mama tak dapat layan sebab mama busy breastfeed/dukung adik. Time macam ni la yang aku pon stress sama coz God, i miss him so much. But we have to deal with that. Nampak la muka sedih tapi dia pandai bawak diri. Tak pernah la dia bengang sampai pukul or hempap adik.

i can't wait for the day when Dhani can play with him. i imagine the two of them building blocks, making a mess out of their room and wrestle. i imagine them building a treehouse with Daddy. Imagine them fighting and crying "Maaa.. Abang/Adik buatttt. Huaaaa.."

First night jadi abang

 

Suruh main atas lantai tanak. nak main ngan adik 

(-__-)

Tengok TV pon nak pangku adik.

My mischievous boys refusing bedtime.

Mama hopes and prays that you guys will always be the best of friends. Looking after each other. Jangan gadoh-gadoh. Jaga Mama and Daddy bila kami dah tua nanti. i pray for only the best for you.