July 22, 2013

21 Years On.. But i'm Okay

Today is 22 July 2013.

It marks the 21st anniversary of my mama's death.

21 years.

When you put it like that, when you see the numbers like that, you'll suddenly realized that "Wow.. It has been THAT long?"

i was barely 7 years old when Mama passed away. Faizal was 6 and Redha was 3. i remember that day vaguely. i remember it like a third person's point of view. It was around noon. My brothers and i were playing at the yard with our neighbour when the maid called us in. That time Unyang was still alive. She was crying and wailing and said "Mama dah takdeee.." i was confused. i don't know how but then i got it. i understood that she's no longer alive. i remember crying.

The rest of the story like the majlis tahlil, the burial, people crying.. i can't remember any of that. It's like it's been erased from my brain. i later learnt that human brain can erase painful memories to protect you. But i knew it happened. Because a hell lot of people LOVES my mom.

And Papa.. i know he was devastated. Heart broken. Because from that day until his last breath he always talked about Mama. Sing about her. He even had this one room in his clinic -  a room full of Mama's photos and clothes and stuff. Like a shrine for her. He'd cry whenever he's in there.

So from that day onwards, we became motherless. Yes, we have a few mother-figures. But still, not our Mama.

21 years is a long time.

i must say i don't know how it feels to have a mother.

To be in school and say "Mama.. Tadi kan si Polan curi pemadam kittewwww"
To be away in college and say "Cepat la cuti sem. i miss my mother's cooking!".
To be a teenager and say "Mommm let's go shopping!".
To be a bride-to-be and shop wedding stuff with her.
To be a mom and say "Maa.. i'm coming home for berbuka bawak cucu awak ni haa.."

i missed out a lot.

21 years is a long time.

With time, i learn to accept. i understand that no matter how unfair it is, this is my qada' and qadar. With time, i have grown and learn that being motherless is hard, but not impossible. i just hope my chlidren won't go through what i went through.

i never heal. A wound like this never heals. But i'm okay now.

Your little girl had grown. i love makeup like you did but rarely wear them. Love fashion like you did but now that i'm donning the hijab, i'm still trying to find tune and experiment. You have a grandson now. He's almost hairless like i was when i was a baby, looks a bit like me but thank God he gets my husband's nose. Faizal and Redha are okay but you really need to give Redha a lecture plus a scream. Overall, everything's okay. Please know that i miss you. Every single day.


*  *  *

i hope you can recite al-Fatihah for my Mama, Salbiah bt. Samsudin. Thanks.
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